back?

so here i am, starting a new blog. i was a prolific blogger (ugh…does anyone else share my aversion to the word ‘blog’ and everything that stems from it?) for several years during college, but my daily posts quickly lost depth and then trailed off altogether. i’m not entirely sure what has piqued my interest in once again spilling my rambling thoughts out for all of you to read, but i would guess it has something to with the tumultuous year i’ve had, culminating in a summer that pulled me to opposite ends of my emotional spectrum–from deep pain to overwhelming joy.

organizing my thoughts through writing has always been therapeutic for me, much more so than talking ever can be, and this summer i found myself in times of reflection realizing that what i’m really doing is composing. a eulogy, a congratulatory speech, a letter of thanks, a journal entry. all in my head. as i sat on beaches, endured long plane and car rides, lay awake in bed at night, drove to the grocery store, walked across EMU’s campus on cool summer evenings, my thoughts came as though i was crafting an essay…running through each sentence over and over in my head as i discard a word that doesn’t work, replacing it with the only one that could be perfect. perhaps this is something i’ve always done, but i became incredibly aware of it this summer. i actually enjoyed it. but this method of reflection came with it’s fair share of frustration, since i would come back later to one of these ‘essays’ and know that i couldn’t remember an essential piece. and all of this brought me to now. we will see if this does become a place where these thoughts can spill out and hopefully leave my head feeling a little less cluttered.

and here i am on the cusp of another year at EMU. after this year i will have worked at EMU for as long as i was a student there. this thought is both sobering and exciting. on one hand, each year i see students graduate and move beyond the valley to new lives in new cities or countries. i compare myself to them and wonder what is holding me back from moving away and searching for my true calling. on the other hand, i am building a life for myself in harrisonburg and absolutely love and depend on the relationships and ties and connections that i have here. i have truly found a niche, and i am happy. if i had left EMU after i graduated, there are so many relationships i would never have formed, and it is painful to try and imagine my life without those people. it is easy to believe that one of the main reasons i am still in harrisonburg is because i needed to know these people and to have them in my life.

i look forward to writing with joy about the special weddings i participated in this summer, about the gatherings of summer friends who kept me laughing and truly became a family to me, about the funny things that happen to me at work and beg to be shared. i look forward to an entry that will be difficult to write, but that has been a constant composition and work in progress during the weeks since i learned of matt’s death. it would be lying to say that those thoughts are not the crux of this new project, though i don’t intend to dwell on them constantly. but i do look forward to the release that will come when two months of swirling and constant thoughts are spilled out, and am surprised i did not get here sooner. but for those who wonder, i am doing well.  three times i said it in this paragraph: i look forward.  i am a work in progress, constantly changing and learning and experiencing.

so there you have it. entry #1. hello, world.

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~ by derstk on August 18, 2008.